There are so many tried and true ways of thinking and acting that society has taught us that is not productive and or outright wrong for the situation.  This relational wisdom that has been passed on to us has kept us from cultivating better relationships and I am going to address one of them today.  

“Being the bigger person”. We generally use this when we initiate engagement with a person that we believe offended us or owes us an apology for some of their past actions or words and they aren’t initiating engagement.  

Being the bigger person is an erroneous description of what is really happening within the dynamic.   It is almost like we are using reverse psychology on ourselves regarding the situation by telling ourselves that somehow we are behaving “ better” than the other person which allows us to compromise our boundaries and integrity without feeling badly about it.  In truth, we are demonstrating a lack of self-worth and inappropriate boundaries and trying to make it sound like a positive thing to do.

A few dynamics are happening in this situation that are not healthy or productive in cultivating good relationships.  First is that justice is needed in situations to maintain balance.  If justice means an apology needs to be given, then that is what should happen. Trying to circumvent that by being the “bigger person” just erodes your value in the relationship and it keeps the other person from learning valuable lessons in how a healthy relationship functions.  Second, people learn by feeling the weight of their actions. When we overfunction in a relationship and don’t allow a person to take responsibility for their words and actions, we are inhibiting their personal growth.   In life, we have to feel how our choices/words/actions impact others, good or bad and that is how we grow emotionally and personally.   You take that opportunity for growth away from the person even though you might be making it more comfortable for them and maybe even more comfortable for you. Comfort isn’t growth.  

I heard one time that high-vibrational people can admit they’re wrong and apologize. I think what this is really saying is that these are people who don’t let their egos get in the way of their personal growth.  They don’t look at being wrong or apologizing as a character flaw or weakness but as an opportunity to understand and improve.  The “better” person is a person who can reflect on past actions and words; feel and understand their impact, apologize when it is warranted, and learn and grow from it.

I think we should start applying this phrase more appropriately.   Instead, let’s define the bigger person as someone who takes action to create harmonious relationships where both people feel empowered and valued. Where there is fairness and justice in the relationship.   Let’s stop lying to ourselves and telling ourselves that a lack of self-worth and lack of good boundaries is some kind of moral high ground.

This is just another example of ways society has erroneously taught us to engage in unhealthy relationship dynamics.  We all go through life not even questioning this and believing this is the right way or a good behavior when in fact it is sabotaging your ability to create healthy balanced relationships by not requiring emotionally responsible behaviors with those you are in relationships with.